The Beginning Of The End

Steven Kennedy

You might be wondering what the text “beginning of the end” means but we will get to that and by the end of my story you might come to realise who i truly am and not who you think I am. This story goes all the way back to were all the pain started, were all my experiences changed and made my reality harder and more challenging in ways that no one can imagine

You see i wasn’t always a writer, I wasn’t always smart or as brave as i might seem to be, I had problems ten times bigger than myself and each day I’d lie to others and say i have a business to take care of but deep inside i was the reason my life was so messed up. I had grown and became someone who isn’t an ideal role model for any child, gave into my pain and became one with it just because i thought that i was better alone and filled with pain. This was not true as i got angrier and angrier by the day, to make it worse i would blame the women who raised me for not looking after me when i needed her the most but the truth is i was angry at myself, it was simply pointless to be angry, you look in the mirror and you see and feel the rage within and you look at who you are angry at but all you see is happiness in their life and 99% of the time they dont even know how you are feeling.

Sure you might think you are different if you are in a similar situation but are you really and why are you wasting you time being a hater when its only you wasting your own time, all you are doing is withholding your potential by holding a grudge against something you could not control, sure yes it happened but thinking about it everyday wont make the past change but it simply makes you relive the same moment over and over again and some dont even notice until they die.

But this is not were the pain started its were it became a fruit bearing tree and almost ended my life in the month of February 2020. By ending my life i do not refer to death, i am talking about a fate worse than death which is “a daily reminder of what i do wrong and why i could never make it in life, these thoughts were my affirmations and indeed they brought the results i had focused on.

Were The Pain Started

Years passed and still i had that feeling inside and as long as i kept it buried i grew worse and my first hobby in this position i developed an interest in writing my own rap songs, i remember the days when i was still in school, i would sit at the very back of the class and write my raps and though others claimed them to be good i knew deep inside that all of it was wrong and it just made me more disappointed than i actually was, on a few counts i actually felt like killing myself but i kept telling myself “he who has nothing to love and nothing to believe in will one day make it in life” which was a lie i believed in. So after i wrote my raps i would say them to myself and let my friends read them cause deep down i just wanted to be accepted until one day i did something unexpected, i didn’t focus on anything around me and told a heartfelt story about me, this was the first poem that i wrote and i wrote 30 more and placed it in a file and named it “The Poets Mind”

Poetic Pain

Sure some of you might have seen the very page I created on Facebook, it was the first manifestation of my abilities in my journey to becoming a writer but it still did not feel right, so there i was a month later sitting in the classroom same routine but writing poems and I remember writing what i was feeling at that same moment and this certain individual who sat in front of me read the poem and thought i was being rude by describing teenagers as extroverted individuals blinded by their desire but what she did not understand was each moment i sat there my energy was being drained faster than it was generated but I do npt blame her for what she said for she knew nothing about me and it would be pointless to explain.

I started recovering and writing my poetry, found another girl and wrote a poem for her, everything was going great and my life was pretty much back to normal but what i gad not realised was that all that pain I had experienced made me a writer, a person who can make a difference by sharing his story and helping someone in a similar situation.

Then my family went through a rough patch financially which meant my education was not paid for and i spend 8hours locked in the school hall like a criminal in prison which until this day regret because of the amount of months i spent in there just hoping that one day something would change but that entire year nothing changed and i got kicked out, you know what happened next, all the pain i had started coming back plus repeating made things even worse than it actually was, so I buried myself in entertainment and social media but all it did was make things worse and thus the whole year was wasted on affirmations on a negative experience, each day was the same, even lied about what was going on just to make myself feel better but seeing everyone progress and I being left behind was adding more pain to my plate which was not easy to handle.

Meaning Behind The Title

The beginning to the end is more than just a statement, as i think now that my pain is gone my story should end , which is not at all certain as more storms are on the way , as I explore my destiny as a writer , I know I will encounter even more complicated situation than the past had to offer , you are life is like a game or a novel and the next chapter is always harder than the first chapter. The moment you extremely happy , what follows next is a challenge for your happiness, You not only have to keep fighting but you also need to learn to see the best in the worst situations

Our minds are the master of torture if we let them , it might have been awhile until I realised my destiny but I hope it’s not too late for you, don’t stop moving forward because greatness comes from within , we all have it but some of us actually convince ourselves that we are worthless , I’ve been through it and I know it’s not easy but as my end becomes my beginning, see the good in the bad and find your own beginning.

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